Melancholic Twenty-Four

When I was a lot younger, I used to do this birthday countdown. I would start telling people about my birthday from January 29 (yes, 3 months before the actual day) and hoped they would get the hint. My family still sees this as a long-running joke, and they wait in mock anticipation for me to start reminding them "Hey it's three months/one month/two weeks to my birthday!"

It's not that I'm particularly narcississtic, or want it to seem like I'm the centre of the universe. It's just that...birthdays hold a special place in my heart. Not just my own. But I really and truly believe that everyone's birthday should be remembered and celebrated as much as possible. It's not about the presents, or the getting old...but it's more of...the one day in the year where you commemorate life, and get to feel special. But of course, having people be nice to you and wish you well doesn't hurt too. So despite what people may think, that birthdays are just like any other day, I've always tried to make it special for my friends/classmates/colleagues.

But the funny thing about being a person who remembers birthdays (and rallies everyone else to sign cards or get cakes and candles...) is that you often wonder who is going to remember yours. I've tried to tell myself that it really doesn't matter...after all, seeing other people happy on their birthdays is a pretty big satisfaction. And after all, as people grow older, they get busier, and well, less and less people do remember your birthday. But I always really hope that people do remember...

And well, people did (Facebook birthday reminders help a lot!). But the horrible thing is...I feel strange this year. I felt like an ungrateful little grinch. Despite all the well wishes, and the really sweet "surprise" from my colleagues, I'm not really "happy". And I don't know why. Perhaps it's work, which can really take all the fun out of a birthday. I spent most of last night finishing up a whole lot of reports, and today I was busy practically the whole day. Which resulted in me not replying to birthday smses or Facebook posts. And then my mum scolded me for being rude and ungrateful. *sighs* I mean, it really wouldn't be nice for me to be on my phone non-stop while everyone around me is working, right?

But I think what's really worrying me is that I somehow feel that subconsciously, I'm using the work thing as an excuse. And that deep down inside, I'm not really happy. Which is why all my grinch tendencies are surfacing. There's just...something missing I guess. I think I surprised a lot of people when they asked me how I was celebrating and I told them in all seriousness that I was going home to sleep because I was exhausted. I still haven't found that work-life balance. Where does my life even start when I'm very often too tired to do anything else except vegetate in front of the TV? That would be the more obvious, salient reason for my discontent. But I guess the overly-analytical side of me is wondering if there's even more to this story...

Technically, I'm happy. I have every reason to be. I have a fulfilling but challenging job which I like, I have friends, family...I've taken care of my financial and healthcare needs...but still there's something missing. I'm happy but not happy. I tried to start today off on a good note, by talking to God. And I agreed once again to put my life in His hands. But there have been so many times (ever since I started working) where I've felt like I don't really know my purpose. And what lies in my future. It's like I've been trapped in a tunnel, and I see a small crack of light shining through. So I follow it...all the way, and it gets bigger and bigger, until I can see the opening of the tunnel, with a really bright and beautiful light just waiting for me. But then I freeze. And that joy at having freedom so close just disappears. I'm just standing there, with freedom within reach, and nothing to stop me from stepping right into the light. But I can't. Or don't want to.

I don't want to feel this way too. Last Sunday, the sermon mentioned something about asking God to give us His joy. So that our own joy may be complete. His joy is different from what we know as happiness. It's so much more. I want that. It's happiness/contentment/fulfillment all rolled into one. Is that what's missing in my life? If so, how do I get that?

I'm really thankful for every birthday wish that I received today, and I appreciate every person that remembered, even if I didn't show it or seem all that enthusiastic (and I'm really sorry for that). I just need to sort some things out, I guess...

The Curse of Thursday the 12th Continues..

I just received word (and lots of apologies) that they lost my test answers. Yes. There was a glitch in the computer system, apparently, and they lost my test answers. Only mine.

And now I have to retake the tests. Brilliant.

(The only sort-of consolation is that they only lost the answers for 2 out of the 4 tests. And I scored 100% on the 2 they didn't mess up.)

'Cause you had a Bad Day, you're taking one down...

Friday the 13th doesn't work for me. I get my really really bad days before the 13th. Today was what I shall now call Thursday the 12th.

It all started when I couldn't zip up my pants this morning.

Yes, the sad, sad truth is that I am officially fat. No it's not the pants' fault (although The Mother did tell me to go get a new pair). I truly am fat. Sigh.

Try as I might, I'm a mood eater and that's hard to change. I don't eat much when I'm happy, don't eat at all when I'm depressed, but when I'm stressed or have PMS, I have the insatiable need to munch and chew on the most unhealthy stuff that I would usually avoid. Like salty crunchy stuff like chips, fries, onion rings...and of course there's the "Give me chocolate or else!" thing too.

So basically, the reason why I am fat can be described in this nice little statistics word problem:

Stress and junk food consumption are positively correlated (r=.60). Workload and stress also have a strong positive correlation (r=.75). What is the partial correlation that will determine the relationship between workload and junk food consumption?

(Hints to answer: the Pearson's r will be lower than that for the other 2 correlations, because the relationship between workload and junk food consumption is moderated by stress.)

Work has been superpacked and exhausting over the last month or so. Add to that a really really bad day like today (I can't talk about it here so ask me if you want to know). And not forgetting the Christmas and Chinese New Year gorging. And the fact that I sit in the office a lot of the time. Equals one seriously fat person. I actually have a tummy now. Sigh.

That's it. I'm actually not very optimistic now. Tomorrow I'll just go in and expect to fight more fires. It can't get any worse, right? (well, of course it could, but hey, it's not something I can control) In the midst of all the agitation and frustration today, I took deep breaths and prayed for calm. I don't know if feeling numb and detached counts as calm, but I'll take it. The Mother says that I shouldn't be afraid, and instead I should smile at all those difficult people and be in control. Even if I want to strangle them (and believe me, you would too).

Well...I'll try. And now, sleep awaits.

Toilet Humour

People behave strangely in public toilets. Seriously. It's like there's an unwritten code of ethics for toilet behaviour. I'm not sure this happens all over the world, but this is what I have noticed after numerous visits to the toilet in my office.

1) Most people have a preferred toilet cubicle. Maybe it's just force of habit, but you always go to the same cubicle if it's available. Perhaps it's true what they say...that the toilet is a place of peace and solitude, and it's where people get all their best thinking done, so you might as well choose a toilet bowl you're comfortable with, right? I remember feeling mildly upset that my usual cubicle was blocked off for about a week.

2) No one likes to make conversation in the toilet. It's just weird. I mean, what do you talk about? So far all the questions I've gotten are along the lines of,"So how are you doing?" And then the conversation stops when one person enters a cubicle (yes, talking to someone while you're going about your business is even weirder).

3) People only wash their hands with soap when there are other people around. It's true. It's like a social desirability thing, where you use soap only because you know your colleagues will think you're disgusting if you don't.

4)There is a certain protocol about leaving the toilet cubicles. Basically you take turns to leave. So if the person next to you flushes first, you let the person leave first. My theory about this is that it's rude to let the other person(s) know that you heard them going about their business. Even though you obviously did hear them. It's just really awkward to bump into your colleague (or worst still, your boss) at the sinks, and since you two are the only ones in the whole toilet, it becomes glaringly obvious that the other person was the poor soul two cubicles down who had diarrhoea. But sometimes this waiting game doesn't work that well. There have been times where I've sat there in silence, and so did the other person over in the next cubicle. It became a matter of who could out-wait the other. In the end I gave up and since the other person obviously wanted to sit there and ponder the meaning of life for a little longer, I left...

5) No one uses the hand dryer when there are paper towels provided. I have no theory for this, but maybe paper is just faster...

I don't know about you, but I like having the toilet all to myself. It's a chance for some solitude and sanity in the midst of the work day. :)

And I have no idea why I just blogged about this :p But maybe the next time you go to a public toilet, you'll notice some of these things too...

Dear God,what are You thinking, really?

And so the 1st of February came and went. And he didn't show up!!! Yes...as many of you might know, I spent the last month or so in various stages of panic and anxiety, mentally preparing myself for this day. And he didn't show up!!! I looked around quite a bit during the wedding, expecting to see him (and her), and I was talking myself through the whole potential awkward situation...but as the afternoon drew on, it became apparent that he really wasn't there. And he didn't show up!!! (ok, I should stop these exclamations before they lose their impact)

I was relieved, happy...and more than a little puzzled. My sister and a few other people had told me that I would only see him again when I was ready. So...did that mean I'm still not ready? I think that maybe I've been trying to rush my emotions into submission...at so many junctures last year I kept telling myself to get over it. I didn't like feeling all weepy and vulnerable. But somehow, perhaps I'm still not ready to face him again. I'm definitely "over it", but part of me probably hasn't really and truly forgiven him. And that, I suppose, can't be rushed. As much as I want to be done with the whole mess, God knows me better, I suppose.

And I think, on hindsight, perhaps God wanted me to learn from the preparation from this potential awkward meet-up. I've found myself relying on His strength to give me the mental groundedness to even rehearse the scenarios in my head. So I threw out all the worst things that could possibly happen, learned to not panic, took deep breaths, and then released all of my worries to God. Today's sermon reminded me of how we shouldn't keep complaining that God hasn't answered our prayers, but think about all the things he has already done for us. And how true that is. He has looked out for me over the most difficult times in my life, and He has shown me how much He loves me. And I may not always realise that, but the truth is that He really does.

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise then, that he didn't show up. I really enjoyed the wedding :) It was a lovely, cosy affair, full of laughter and love. I'm glad I went. Congrats again and our Lord's richest blessings for your new life together, Benedict and Eunice :)

Moo.

I'm posting this here and not on my food blog because my food blog has a huge backlog of pictures that should be uploaded before this one *sheepish look*.

In keeping with my family's tradition of making unique pineapple tarts (ok, the tradition started just last year with our Pineapple Rats)...but anyway, I took a special interest in this year's tarts because it's my year, the Year of the Ox (ok now everyone knows how old I am...but I digress...)

And so, I'm very proud to present our Pineapple Moos to you :) Aren't they cute?


And they were a family effort too: The Mother shaped the tarts according to her famous recipe, I made the lumps look like cows, Third Sister who bakes really good shortbread added cute little tails, and Second Sister who slept the whole day woke up in time to help glaze the little cows with beaten egg.



The tails, just in case you couldn't see them earlier :)

Thought I'd blog this early because the next few days are gonna be quite busy! :p So here's wishing everyone an Ox-picious and Happy 牛Year!!! :)

Moo.

One Year On...

Today marks one year since 17 Jan 2008. The day which changed my life as I once knew it.

At that time I thought I would never be able to be happy again. But one year on, I'm alive and well, and happy :) And I have so much to be thankful for. It's been a bumpy ride of a year, but God, my family and friends have been there for me, every step of the way. My original plan was to commemorate this day with a celebration. Of life, of God's wonderful blessings...but a friend decided to get married today :p (no offense, Sharon and Willy!)

And so I sat in church this afternoon watching one of the sweetest couples ever exchange vows. To love and to cherish, with God as their guide. When the bride teared up, so did I. Besides the fact that I cry at most weddings, well, today was kind of a vulnerable day for me. I found myself asking God, as we prayed to bless the happy couple, "Lord, when will it be my turn?" As much as I know that He has planned out every detail of my life already, it's sometimes hard to keep believing. Especially when so many friends are getting engaged or married. Just as I held back more tears (in order to prevent a full sob fest), an sms from one of my NUS classmates came through. It said,"Hey girl, how are you doing? Was just thinking of you..." Funny how my friends manage to lift my spirits just when I need it, huh? At that moment I felt that I was loved.

The bride's father spoke on 1 Corinthians 13. Of true love, and how it does not die. And I was reminded of how God is the only one that can love us like that. It's a strange kind of love, I think, because He doesn't always give us what we want, but we can be sure that He always gives us what we need. So despite the fact that my friends are constantly telling me that my turn will come eventually, I'm not that convinced :p But I'm content now. I'm free from the pain that plagued me for most of last year... And I have so much to look forward to.

So here's to love and life, everybody :) Thank you for being there for me, to share my tears and to be happy for me as I healed. I am strong only because all of you were there by my side to support me.

Here's the 3rd song that has brought me through the year. It's a beautiful version of Amazing Grace.



Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)--Chris Tomlin

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine